~4 minute read
I’ve just left a Zoom call for a self-organised online meditation group and I’m buzzing with an open tenderness. It’s a small group, four of us chatting tonight for an hour. We take it in turns to speak about our practice and anything dharma-adjacent: sharing our challenges of pain and fear, our celebrations of meditative insights and deepenings, and our contemplations on this complex existence. The group feels like a gift, a treasure. It’s a space of heartfelt connection and playful joking. There’s a tone that is somehow both totally uncontrived and deadly serious about awakening. I feel waves of gratitude and appreciation for these other humans and their willingness to connect.
During the call I share that I’ve been thinking about sangha and how grateful I am to have people who listen and understand when I share the contents of my mind. This has opened up a deeper dimension of friendship than I experienced in my first 20+ years. It has also been invaluable to progressing on the path and in life. I talk about how much it helps to just have people who will listen, and that I trust. Sharing this to the group feels like it folds these threads together, my words are understood and find a palpable resonance. My travel companions nod and smile in joyful agreement.
I’ve been gifted with many great sanghas. This online group has been meeting since 2020. I have a number of teacher friends who offer support and guidance and shared understanding. I have dear friends who are devoted to different aspects of the path that help me to expand my understanding (special shout out to my friends dedicated to the practice of Awakened Connection, for the cherished friendship and the gifts they bring). I also have a growing camaraderie with my classmates in the Aletheia Training Program, which has opened up new doorways. Through online groups, I’ve also developed friends that I will keep for life, that will always have a base of understanding to return to. I’m also so grateful for Coalescence Sangha, for everyone who joins the events I lead, and for the amazing team that has helped me offer retreats!
I’ll go out on a limb and say that sangha is the most important dimension of meditation practice. Having friends that meditate is a better predictor of whether you’ll stick with the practice and deepen practice than any other measure.
Why is having meditation friends so helpful? Sangha is the convergence of social acceptance with interest and meaningfulness – and meditation, practised deeply, cannot help but touch on the deepest and most meaningful aspects of our lives.
It’s undeniable that we are social creatures. Humans have a social capacity that is deeply ingrained in our biology. We take in the culture that is around us; we absorb what we are surrounded by. We can find so much joy and fulfilment in our relationships. We also find that a lot of our deepest needs are around social qualities: love, acceptance, safety, and value. When these aren’t met in satisfying ways, it leaves us hurt. Unfortunately for many of us the greatest pain and difficulty in our lives tends to come in relationships that failed to meet these needs.
Sangha has the capacity to repair this hurt through the offer of contact and connection. Sounds lofty right! But all great journeys begin with a single step.
For me, it has taken some time. At first, I was shy to open up and often felt like there were parts of my experience that simply weren’t okay to share. It’s been a process of folding this in, beginning with saying when I did feel uncomfortable or uncertain, even if I didn’t know what that was about – and to be seen in exactly that experience.
When I turn up to these groups and I share my experience, I gradually open up, and I am seen and understood. I feel held and appreciated, exactly as I am. It’s a felt experience of the practice coming through in relation: I am becoming more equanimous with my experience as others offer being with. I deepen my contact with myself and with others and in doing so it reveals a depth of experience.
Now I’m going to quote a sutta from the Pāli Canon, because I love hearing this, and I think I’ll keep repeating it until I no longer can.
Ananda said to the Buddha, “This is half of the path: admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie.”
“Don’t say that, Ananda. Don’t say that. Admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the path. When one has admirable people as friends, companions, & comrades, one can be expected to develop & pursue the noble eightfold path.
— Upaḍḍhasutta, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu (with my own adjustments of gender, epithets, and emphasis)
This sutta points to the meaningfulness and significance of having friendship, companionship, and camaraderie – it isn’t an auxiliary to the practice, friendship is the practice. We practice in our relationships, and our relationships sustain our practice.
How can you find sangha? First, reflect on how sangha fits in with your life and if it matches your intentions and values around practice. Maybe you already have some sense of community – this is an invitation to check in and offer contact. If you feel you could do with more connection, start with finding someone you get along with. When you join a class, if you resonate with someone, reach out and see if they want to chat. Find other people online or in-person that share an interest in meditation, and especially if they seem to be exploring in similar ways. Build from there, step by step. You might just have one friend you chat with, a family member you sit with, or a pal who has read the same dharma book as you. You might like to form a practice pod and have others you check in with. Then you begin the process of connecting and gradually finding ways to be with each other in good friendship.
Sit For A Bit has been a beautiful chance to practice with like-minded folks walking distance from my home in the Inner-West of Sydney, a far-off dream when I started meditating and only knew of people on the internet who were interested in this. I hope that it can help foster the kind of community that leads to this admirable friendship and to provide a spark of connection in the practice. Come join some good meditation friendship : )
Reply and let me know what you find most valuable in sangha – I love collecting stories of friendship and hearing people’s appreciation for their meditating friends and communities.
In friendship,
Kynan